One, Two, Jango!
by fairystail
Summary: Master Hypnotist, Master of the Mind, Man of Mystery. You know him, you love him, One, Two, Jango as you've never seen him before! Si as Jango
1. Chapter 1

_**A Pirates Log 1**_

 _The mind is a miraculous thing if you think about it. It harnesses electrical surges to help your body move, your heart to beat, your lungs to breathe, your blood to pump, your ears to hear, your eyes to see and so on. However not only does it do that it can think. Now that may be taken as a given but have you ever truly thought about it? Have you ever truly thought about what it means for a machine, yes your mind is a machine organic as it is, to be capable of independent thought, to be capable of independent care. Nowhere else has there ever existed such a machine and best of all it even looks after it's self, it adapts to almost every situation and looks after it's self in the way that it see's fit._

 _Yes the mind is truly a miraculous thing._

 _But it is not completely infallible, the mind is capable of emotions, it can suffer the effects of stress, it is susceptible to damage. This wondrous machine is so very fragile, a million systems all working together for an end goal none are aware of and yet one teensy, tiny change and everything is thrown off course. Never to be prepared._

 _You could be struck by lightning, hit on the head, poisoned or you could even be the subject of an amateurs attempt at hypnotism._

 _You haven't picked it up yet have you? You haven't guessed exactly what is going on? Well just stay right there and maybe, just maybe you will learn a few things as this story of mine unfolds._

...

...

...

There was a loud incessant banging on the door, "Captain wake up!"

With a loud groan I pulled myself off of the floor, looking around at my cabin, "why the hell did I sleep on the floor," I moaned, rubbing my aching back and stretching to get all the kinks out.

Giving a yawn I pushed open the door, slaming it into the minion's face without a care. "You idiot. Only the sun can wake me up and live to tell about it," I grumbl.. wait why does that sound familiar?

Why does everything feel so fuzzy today? There's the minions looking at me expecting something, probably for me to tell them to get back to work. Ah Shit it's a work day isn't it? Fuck that, no way am I gonna work today, time to call in sick, where's the Transponder?

I pick a random minion, "hey you? Where's the Transponder Snail?" Seriously, I feel like i'm forgetting something here? As if there is something really obvious that I'm missing, something plain as day? Eh who cares.

Hey look a Transponder Snail, damn they are really ugly aren't they? I take it with a grmace, it's just so slimy, and make my way to the kitchen. At least the minions have prepared breakfast, fish, fish and more fish... "You there, cook, what is this?" I all but growl out.

"Er, it's breakfast captain," he replies, nervously.

I look at the idiot, look at the fish, look at the idiot and back to the fish. Seriously why do I allow these complete and utter morons on to my crew?

I took one calming breath and another, centering myself slightly before responding. "Don't you realize that I hate fish, cook! Get me something else to eat now you idiot!" I roared, thumping the table to empathize my point.

"B-but C-captain! Y-you always a-ask for f-fish omelettes f-for breakfast!" the idiotic cook stammers out. And now he's lying to me too!

I just lower my glasses and raise the brim of my hat so he can experience the full weight of my glare. Wait why was I sleeping with glasses and a hat on? I don't even own either of those? Hey look the cook is preparing something else, it's so hard to get good help these days.

Well time to call in sick for work, what excuse should I use today? Death in the family? Nah. Salmonella? Nah had that last month. Period pains? Would be worrying if they believed it. Just general vomiting it is.

"Such a boring excuse," I sighed to myself before setting the Transponder Snail in front of me and inputting the number for work.

Huh, they changed the waiting music, it's about time. And there is the standard message about extensions and what not, who cares? I put in the correct extension number and got transferred.

A female voice came out the other end of the Transponder Snail. "Hina Speaking."

Huh, didn't recognize the name. "God damn, i'm an idiot," I muttered weakly.

"Hina is confused, why are you an idiot?" Talking about herself in the third person, seriously? I mean it's kinda cute but not really professional. I shook my head, not important.

"Sorry wrong extension number," I hung up and tried again.

"Hina speaking," was the response again.

I sighed, "sorry Hina, wrong number again," I muttered before hanging up.

Third times the charm.

"Hina is starting to get annoyed," the woman from before complained, though the Transponder Snail barely showed any emotion so she couldn't have been too ticked off.

I sighed once again, seriously just how bad is my luck? "Sorry Hina, it's just one of those days. Can you transfer me to Martin Ross? I need to call in sick for my shift today."

Okay now the Transponder Snail looks a little annoyed, "Hina is not some call centre, and even then Hina does not know who this Martin Ross is. Just who is this? Hina does not appreciate prank callers!"

I groaned, seriously, I did not have the patience to deal with this shit. I hung up on the woman right then and there, screw it if work wants to know where I am then they can call me.

I looked at the food on the table, the sightly scared Transponder Snail, the minions waiting around for something. Seriously what was with that feeling? What was I missing? I looked at the Transponder Snail even closer eyeing it up, "what am I missing?" I asked it curiously.

Wait a minute I know this thing from somewhere, I mean sure I use the Transponder Snail every now and then but I know it from somewhere else where do I kn...no way.

I pushed myself away from the Transponder Snail too fast, too hard, falling onto the floor as I did so, but I didn't care.

I needed, I needed something, air, space, whatever I just needed to be away from that snail, it couldn't be real! Gasping for breath as I pulled off my hat, my coat, my shirt, dimly I was aware that I was beginning to hyperventilate as I made my way outside, to see the ocean all around.

"I'm on a ship... why am I on a ship?" I muttered weakly, hands running through my hair. "I know why I'm on a ship, this is my ship but I don't have a ship."

I began to pace, wringing my hands, pulling on my hair, gasping for air, cursing and muttering t myself. "Seriously why am I on a ship? What is going on here? What is the last thing I remember? I can't remember! Why can't I remember?

Without any conscious thought my hand reached out, a familiar yet unfamiliar object in it, this could help me remember I just knew it. Shrieking in terror I flung it away, embedding it in the mast of the ship. "No, no, no, no, no this isn't happening, this isn't happening. Why is this happening? Oh god why is this happening. I think I'm going to be sick."

Not on the ship, just had it cleaned recently, no not on the ship, the bathroom would do.

I ran for the bathroom, shoving minions out of the way, as I tried to hold it in. I flung the door open and reached the sink just in time to void my stomach's meagre contents into it.

It was sort of a relief, you know? I didn't have to think about anything as I stood there vomiting into the sink, but alas all good things must come to an end and eventually I was done.

I slowly turned on the tap, washed my hands, cleaned the sink, gathered some water to give my mouth a little clean. Then once that was all done, I slowly took a long deep breath, gathered all of my pitiful courage and looked up, looked into the mirror.

I took in my appearance, my greyish hair, my heart shaped eyes, the mushroom stalk on my chin.

"Calm down, you need to calm down, you know the mind this is clearly just an accident, a mistake, you can fix this. But what if I can't, what if I can't fix this? Oh god what did I even do to myself?" why was it so hard to breathe? Oh I'm hyperventilating again. "You just destroyed your mind, fractured it, no big deal, you can fix it, piece it together, nothing superglue can't fix." Where was that giggling coming from? It was very distracting, oh it was me. I was giggling. "I'm just having a mental breakdown," I giggled. "Easy to fix, nothing to worry about it's an easy fix."

I just needed to see a shrink is all, a psychiatrist. "But they don't exist here!" I continued to giggle madly, "besides if I showed up at a shrink's office, I'd be locked away in prison, maybe executed hehehe."

There was a knock on the door, how dare someone interrupt, didn't they know I was using the bathroom? "Er Captain are you alright?" a minion asked, looking at me nervously.

"Hehehe Why are you scared hehe. Haven't seen a man have a hehehe, mental breakdown before?" seriously where was that giggling coming from?

The minion began to slowly edge out of the room, what didn't he like me any more? Now that was rude! "Captain, I-I think you need some r-rest!" he stammered. Seriously these guys can't even speak properly, why did I hire them? Oh that's right "I Didn't!" I crowed.

The minion appeared to jump at some noise, such a touchy bunch this lot, probably just needs some sleep. You know what, that's an idea.

Pushing past the minion I made my way to the ship's mast, pulling my ring out of it. "You will get a good nights rest and wake up calm and refreshed," I intoned, waving the ring about.

"One."

Everyone leaned in a bit.

"Two"

Several of the minions face-palmed.

"JANGO!"

Everything went black.

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...

...

...

...

Yeah A self insert with someone waking up as 1 2 Jango with both sets of memories.

Stay and watch his eventual decent into madness, or sanity (that would be a real horror)

and as to why Hina was called. She was the first person I could think of.

When I say Jangoo you will read and review, 1, 2, Jango!


	2. Chapter 2

_**A Pirates Log 2**_

 _I can't remember who said it and truthfully I don't care but it has been said that you are the sum of your memories. Wether those memories actually happened or not it doesn't matter, they dictate who you are._

 _So what does that mean about me? I woke up with two sets of memories, two contradictory sets of memories. One set of memories being a cruel, cold-hearted pirate. The other set of memories being a lazy, depressed bastard who is scared of hurting people and being hurt._

 _So what was I? Was I a hard working pirate or a lazy bastard? Was I cruel or did I shy away from hurting people?_

 _What about the other stuff, Jango was a man who liked to drink, dance and party while the other guy (I can only remember the name Fairystail but that couldn't actually be his name right?) liked to read, write and was an introvert. What was I now? Who was I?_

 _Am I Jango?_

 _Am I Fairystail?_

 _Both?_

 _Neither?_

 _Just Who am I?_

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

Thankfully hypnotized sleep doesn't last very long unless you are very tired or very weak-willed. Which was in it's self worrying, because I know for a fact that I, Jango not me Jango or am I Jango? Is it me or Jango? Jango or me? Not the time.

Jango used to take hours to wake up, he was particularly susceptible to his own hypnotism but by the fact the sun was still rising I could tell I've been asleep for minutes at most. So does this mean that I'm no longer Jango? Or never was?

"Fuck, this is making my head hurt," I groaned as I sat up and looked at the minions around the ship. Sham and Buchi had a worrying look in their eyes. Probably thinking about a mutiny, that's the problem with still being under Kuro's shadow, no loyalty in this crew, no care for one another, just fear and the ambition that comes from a group of murderous assholes working together.

I fixed the Nyaban Brothers with a warning glare, "do you two have something to say?"

Sham gave a sly grin, and shook his head slowly, "not at all Captain. Nothing to say from us at all." Yes he was definitely planning something. I would have to nip this in the bud once everything with Kuro was settled.

Shaking my head at the mess I've gotten myself into I slowly gathered up my clothes, putting my shirt, coat, glasses and hat back on before turning to the navigator, "How far away are we from the island?" I was so not interested in doing this. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown, had false memories in my head and was about to meet Captain Kuro and deal with his special brand of crazy...wait a minute I never thought that about him before...Did I?

The navigator had apparently finished talking though truth be told I had no idea what he had just said, but an island could be seen in the distance so we should be there soon. "Just prepare a dinghy for me, I'll go out alone. No need to scare the people and anger Captain Kuro."

Within minutes I was on a dinghy, on my way to Syrup Island.

...

Syrup Island was the worst possible place, it was a calm, collected farming village with very little money or ships but not too far from a Marine Base. It was boring. It was also the last place anyone would expect a pirate to hide out. Which of course is exactly why Captain Kuro chose this place. It also helps that there is a rich girl on the island whose inheritance he can steal. Poor Usopp will be so upset when she dies...

Wait a minute? Usopp's not real that's right. He's just a figment of imagination from the false memories. Seriously it's not like Devil Fruits actually exist or that any stupid kids can beat Captain Kuro.

Just kill the girl, kill the people and get this job over with then I can get back to fixing myself. Huh what's that feeling? It's a sort of twinge. "Oh god I actually feel bad about the thought of killing someone. Better not let Captain Kuro know."

My dinghy had finally reached the island and so I made my way up the beach, up the hill towards the town. Maybe get something to eat, talk to a few people and go find Captain Kuro.

I was halfway to the town when a memory flashed in my mind, it wasn't one of Jango's, it was one of the other guy's memories. It was of a weird looking kid screaming and running about a weird backwards man.

I pivoted on my feet and continued on my way to the town, walking forwards like normal. "Probably best not to attract any attention," I sighed. Seriously why couldn't I dance everywhere?

The town was exactly what I had imagined it to be. Quiet. Peaceful. Only a few shops. A few simple houses. Boring.

I walked into the local restaurant, ordered some food and sat down in thought. You know this place is going to look so different tomorrow when everyone is dead... "Huh, there's that twinge again."

Eventually my food arrived and I ate in silence, trying to ignore everyone around me and just pass the time. Sadly it was not meant to be.

A middle aged, busy body of a woman decided to sit down across from me. "I haven't seen you around before," she said, looking me up and down and sniffing. Bitch clearly didn't appreciate my taste in clothes.

Well I didn't say anything, hopefully she would get the message and leave me alone.

"So what brings you to our little slice of heaven?" She didn't get the message.

I gave a long slow sigh, "I'm just a wandering hypnotist. Stopping here for food before I make my way to Loguetown," I muttered.

"Oh a hypnotist! That's an...interesting...line of work!" Was this bitch seriously looking down on me? I am One Two Jango, acting Captain of the Black Cat Pirates.

I grit my teeth, finished up my food and as I stood up to leave I held out one of my rings. "You will start clucking like a chicken and won't be able to stop. One. Two. Jango!"

You know there is something about leaving a restaurant where you made someone completely embarrass themselves. It's a nice feeling, a good feeling, despite what that twinge says.

Well it's about time to meet Captain Kuro at the beach anyway I guess I should make my way there.

I was most of the way to the beach when I saw something that made me stop dead.

There were three little kids talking to two teens. Said teens being Roronoa Zoro and Nami.

Pain became my entire existence as memories, thoughts and feelings forced themselves forward.

The attack on the beach.

Kuro killing everyone.

Kuro saying he would kill us anyway.

Luffy kicking Kuro's ass.

With these memories came a horrible truth. It's not that Kuro planned to kill me and the rest of the crew but something else. These memories are real. They aren't fake.

Holy shit I'm actually two people in one body.

What the fuck have I done, seriously what caused this? Oh god this is like a bad Self-Insert fic or something.

Everyone's looking at me strangely. "What haven't seen a guy freak out before?" I snapped. Oh crap I just pissed them off didn't I? I just pissed of Roronoa Zoro and we have to fight tomorrow or Kuro will kill me.

Nami rolled her eyes in annoyance, "what's wrong with you weirdo?"

I ran my hands through my hair, pacing as I did. "What's wrong she asks? What's wrong? Well what's wrong is that I am having an identity crisis, I'm freaking out because tomorrow I could die or do something evil or be hurt horribly or whatever and I'm talking about this to you guys when I should be going. I have somewhere to be, got to be somewhere or he's gonna kill me. Well later," I muttered weakly before half-walking, half-running off.

...

"Calm down. One. Two. Jango."

"Calm down. One. Two. Jango."

"Calm down. One. Two. Jango."

Hypnotising myself this much could not be a good thing for my sanity in the long run. In the short run however if I did not calm down then Kuro would realise something was up and kill me.

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't just follow through with Kuro's plan. Not only would we get our asses kicked but it was amoral and evil to boot.

But Jango had been conditioned by Kuro, I could not go against that fear that had conditioned him to do what Kuro said. Could I?

Slowly, shakily I raised the ring once more. "You are n-no longer af-afraid of C-Capatin Kuro. One. Two. Ja-"

"Jango!" Kuro's voice yelled out, startling me and causing me to drop my ring. "Just what exactly are you doing?"

"C-Captain K-Kuro!" I called, whirling around to see the scariest man I had ever had the displeasure to know. "I was just practising Uhyahahya."

Kuro narrowed his eyes at me, pushing his glasses up in that way he always did, the way that always caused shivers to run down my spine. "It's not Captain Kuro anymore, that man is dead," he reminded me. "I am Klahadore, the butler now."

"Of course, my bad. Sorry Ku-Klahadore." I said, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice. Yeah I'm totally not being suspicious at all. Distract him man! "So the plan is still the same right? Storm the village tomorrow, murder the girl and you inherit everything?"

Kuro rolled his eyes, "you idiot how will I inherit everything if you just kill her?"

Wait I know this one, I know the answer to this! "You'll try very hard to that's how!"

Kuro's hand twitched, making me tak half a step back. "No you idiot. You will hypnotize her to write out a will, leaving everything to me. Then you will kill her. Got it!"

I gulped nervously, come on man think of something, anything to say. Come on you can do it.

I was however broken from my frantic thoughts by a loud voice. "Hey you two, leave Kaya alone!" shouted one Monkey D. Luffy. Future King of the Pirates.

Oh fuck I have to fight him tomorrow as well don't I?

Usopp and Kuro talked for a bit but I didn't catch a single word they said, too busy focusing on Luffy to pay any attention to them. Unfortunately my focus was broken when Luffy started to pull his fist back.

"When I say One, Two Jango you will fall asleep!" I hurriedly called out as I held out my ring. "One. Two. Jango!"

Luffy stopped moving instantly. His head falling to his chest. Slowly ever so slowly he fell forward, leaning over the cliff he was standing on before toppling off. Landing head first on the rocks.

After a few words, Usopp ran off and Kuro walked off, casual as can be. I don't think he was particularly fussed that I was clearly out of it. I had technically beaten Monkey D. Luffy. I mean sure it wasn't a proper fight but few people could say they had beaten him. It would be so easy to kill him as well, just use my ring to cut his throat and he would be dead. I wouldn't have to fight him tomorrow and everything would be fine.

"But then Kuro will kill me," I sighed. "But I can't go against Kuro, well not as I am now."

I looked around, surveying the beach, it was clear now but not for long, the Strawhats would be by soon and if they found me here then I would be in big trouble. I slowly gathered myself and walked away from the downed pirate, leaving the beach and making sure to get myself deep into the words, where no one would interrupt me.

...

I spent hours slowly hypnotizing myself. I had to be careful about how I did it. If I made myself no longer afraid of Kuro then I would do something stupid, fear was good, fear was my friend it's just too much fear would screw me over. I managed to find what I hoped was the right balance and then I continued on to other modifications, these ones less permanent. Just before sunrise I was ready, waiting at the top of the slope of the beach as my former crew-mates docked.

Sham and Buchi was leading the Black Cats charge it appeared.

"Where have you been Jango?" Sham asked, a cruel smirk on his face.

I cricked my neck, rolled my shoulders as I looked at the horde of bloodthirsty pirates below me. "I noticed you didn't call me captain anymore Sham. Care to explain that?"

Sham started to edge forward, closer and closer to me. Trying to get up close and personal to surprise me huh? These guys need better tricks.. "Well you see Jango," Sham purred, each word bringing him a step closer. "The crew and I believe that with your little breakdown that new leadership is in order."

I pulled two rings out of my coat and spun them on my fingers, getting into my disco pose. Sham stopped at seeing this. "I will tell all of you this once and only once.," I yelled. "I feel no pain, my physical and mental limits are broken, I am faster and stronger than I have ever been. If you all were to attack me then you would win, but most of you will die." I surveyed the assembled pirates, they knew my words to be true and they were hesitant to act.

" _ **Lead Star"**_ I heard just before something impacted with my head, sending me flying to the side.

With a groan I pulled myself to my feet, "that is going to hurt like hell when this wears off," I grumbled before turning to face Usopp. "And just what do you think you're doing?!"

Usopp puffed himself up, "I am the Great Captain Usopp, ruler of over eight hundred super pirates and I will not let a single one of you enter this village!" he roared.

I sighed, really? Really? "I'm on your side you idiot!"

"Like I'm stupid enough to fall for that lie!" Usopp shouted back at me.

"I'm not fucking lying! I'm here to help!"

Then I was smacked in the back of the head, once more sent flying a few feet. "Hah I got one!" I heard Nami's voice crow.

Grumbling to myself I slowly pulled myself once more to my feet in time to see that the Black Cats were charging the two Strawhats. "Watch out you idiots!" I screamed as I sent my rings forward, cutting the lead pirates and saving Nami and Usopp for a few seconds.

I flung ring after ring, not even worrying about catching them on the return as we fought to hold of the other pirates.

"Why are you helping us!?" Nami screamed.

"Because I grew a conscience now shut up and fight!"

" _ **Cat-Astrophe!"**_ Buchi cried as he came flying down from the sky, right towards me.

I rolled to the side in time to avoid being crushed by Sham was there with his claws out. "Got you now Jango," he mocked as his claws dug into my back. Thankfully I still wasn't feeling pain just yet as I grabbed Sham's wrist in my hand.

"I told you Sham," I hissed. "I don't feel pain. I don't have limits. I am faster and so much stronger than usual." And I started to squeeze, forcing pressure into his wrist as I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed, until I both heard and felt a snap. Sham's screams filled the air. Then I was smacked away by Buchi with such force I felt a rib break.

Most of the pirates were down, Sham had a broken wrist and Buchi was the only real threat left. Heh looks like we can do this. I grinned triumphantly as I put a hand on the ground and pushed myself up only to fall forward. "What. What's going on?" I asked in shock, as once again I fell forward.

Sham hobbled over to me, his broken wrist held gently in his other hand, a viscious smile on his face. "heh looks like it's finally happened, _Captain_ ," he mocked. "You've reached the end. Your body has broken. You can't move. Hehahehaheha," he cackled.

Crap he was right, i'd worn my body down too much! It didn't matter how you felt if you had no energy or your muscles were too damaged to work. I struggled to push myself up, to move to do something but it was all for naught as Sham moved forward. Once he reached me he bent down and picked a sword up in his good hand. "Say byebye Jango. Byebye Jango," he mocked before bringing the blade down towards my neck.

" _ **Gum Gum Gatling!"**_ Luffy's voice called out, sending Sham flying away.

Thank god, the cavalry had finally arrived.


End file.
